Charlie & Mac Get Rid of the Waitress
by ShiversTheNinja
Summary: Charlie made a horrible mistake when he convinced the waitress to sleep with him. He and Mac formulate a plan to make her go away. (Mentions of one-sided Mac/Dennis, but this is a CharMac story through and through.)


Things had been going very badly for Charlie.

Had he known what a mistake banging the waitress was going to be, he never would have done it. Of course, no one ever could have convinced him it was going to ruin his life. It was all he'd been wanting for, like, what, fifteen years or something?

But now that it had happened, it was finally dawning on him that the rest of the gang was right about her - she was totally the worst. Now she wouldn't leave him alone, and she kept trying to bang him again so she could get pregnant. No thank you. And every time he said no, she was offended and flew into a rage, and he had to deal with her screaming at him and throwing things and crying.

Seriously, she was the _worst_.

He had tried being straightforward with her and telling her that he wasn't interested in her anymore, but she didn't buy it. That was his own fault, though - he _had_ been stalking her for nearly two decades. It was a bit implausible that he'd lose interest so suddenly.

So one night, he decided it was time to call in some reinforcements, and headed over to Mac and Dennis's - _no, just Mac's now_ , he reminded himself - apartment.

He lifted his hand to knock, but before his knuckles made contact with the door, Mac opened it. "Oh," he said in surprise. "Hey, Charlie."

"Can I come in?" Charlie asked. "I need some help with something."

"Uh, I was just about to leave..." It should have been obvious to Charlie, given Mac's, er, _interesting_ clubbing attire, that he was heading out to The Rainbow. He'd been spending a lot of time there since Dennis left, coming home in the early morning hours covered in glitter, sweat, and sometimes other things. Charlie was too focused on his own problems to notice.

"Oh, cool, but listen, this is really important," Charlie responded nonchalantly, rudely pushing his way past Mac into the apartment and sitting down on the couch.

Mac stood in the open doorway in stunned silence for a moment, then let out a brief sigh and closed it, joining Charlie on the couch. "What's up?"

"The waitress is driving me insane, dude, you have to help me get rid of her," Charlie answered.

Mac squinted in confusion. He'd been so busy trying to move on from his feelings for Dennis, he hadn't seen Charlie at all lately, and he had no idea what was going on. "Wait, what, now? Why do you want to kill the waitress?"

"Kill her?" Charlie scoffed. "I mean, yeah, that'd probably be the easiest thing to do, but if it were that easy I wouldn't be asking for help. I don't know what to do."

"You didn't answer my question. What the hell happened?"

"Oh, I banged the waitress," Charlie answered casually.

Mac's jaw dropped. "No. No you didn't."

"I totally did, but now she won't leave me alone and she's super annoying."

"But... how did you... there's no fucking way she'd sleep with you, dude."

"It's not really important," Charlie said, brushing off Mac's confusion. "What matters is now she, like, wants to have my babies or whatever and I can't get her off my back."

Mac paused, trying to comprehend the seemingly impossible situation his friend was in.

"...Huh."

"Yeah. What do I do?" Charlie asked, scratching his head.

"Um... have you tried, like, breaking up with her?" Mac knew it was an obvious solution, but knowing Charlie, he may not have thought to try it.

"Of course, dude, but she won't listen to me!" he exclaimed. "She doesn't believe that after all these years I suddenly wouldn't be into her anymore."

"I guess that's fair," Mac considered. "I mean, I'm not sure _I_ believe it. _Any_ of it."

"Well, believe it!" Charlie practically yelled. "It happened! And now I'm totally fucked!" He reached out, grabbing Mac's shoulders and shaking him as he desperately yelped, " _Help me!_ "

"Holy shit, calm down, Charlie." Mac reached up and gently removed Charlie's hands from his shoulders. "I'll help you." He looked at the floor, eyebrows furrowing in contemplation. Charlie could practically see the lightbulb appearing above Mac's head as an idea came to mind.

"What if you told her you were with someone else?"

"I don't think she'd believe that."

Mac rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"What if she _saw_ that you were with someone else?"

"Huh?" Charlie asked, clueless as usual.

"Maybe she'd believe it if she actually saw it, you know?"

Charlie's face betrayed that he was still totally lost.

"Okay, so we'll go tell her that you're dating me now and-"

"Wait, hold up. I'm not dating you, though."

"We're _pretending_ , dumbass." Charlie looked slightly hurt, but Mac continued, getting to the part of the plan he was most excited about. "She probably won't take it at face value, though, so we might have to kiss."

"Okay, what? No," Charlie responded. "No way."

Mac rolled his eyes. "You have a better idea?"

Charlie glared at him, slumping. "No..."

Mac nodded smugly. "That's what I thought."

Charlie sat up suddenly. "Wait, what if she walked in on us banging?"

Mac broke into a coughing fit, completely shocked. After a few vigorous pats on the back from Charlie, he finally stopped coughing, and managed to choke out, " _How_ is that better than kissing?"

Charlie laughed. "Oh, god, no, I didn't mean we'd actually be fucking. We'd fake it."

Mac was still a bit taken aback, turning the tables so he was the one who was slow on the uptake now. "How?"

"Well, she knows that Frank and I always leave the door unlocked-"

"Which I've told you to stop doing-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, we would be under the covers, so it looks like we're banging, but we're not. She walks in, hears us yelling a bunch of stupid sex shit-"

"Stupid sex shit?" Mac interrupted.

"Yeah, you know, all the weird stuff people say when they're banging. But yeah, she sees what's happening, that should freak her out and she'll go away forever."

Mac nodded.

"And that way we don't have to actually kiss or anything," Charlie added. Mac deflated a bit. So much for that.

And so it was decided. The waitress would walk in on them apparently banging, saying stupid sex shit, and hopefully she would be out of Charlie's hair.

* * *

The next afternoon, they were in Charlie and Frank's apartment, getting ready to execute their brilliant plan. As Charlie pulled the bed out from the couch, Mac couldn't help but stare at his bent over form. He'd always really liked Charlie's thighs...

Charlie finished setting up the bed and stood up, and Mac quickly looked away and began pulling his sleeveless shirt off.

"What are you doing?" Charlie asked, oblivious.

Mac looked back at him with a flat expression. "Take yours off, too. It has to look like we're naked."

"Oh, right," Charlie said, quickly peeling his t-shirt off as well and climbing onto the bed. Mac tried not to start staring again as he joined Charlie on the bed.

"When is she going to get here?" Mac asked, looking for anything to distract him from looking at Charlie.

"Pretty soon, probably, like, any minute now," Charlie responded.

" _What?!_ " Mac panicked and quickly pulled the covers over their bottom halves, then maneuvered himself on top of Charlie, his hands next to the side's of Charlie's head supporting him.

Charlie chuckled. "Jesus, dude, you don't have to be so _desperate_ about it."

Mac sighed. "I'm not being des- just shut up, okay? If she could show up at any second, we need to be ready, otherwise this isn't going to work."

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay."

"Come on, dude, you need to change positions, this needs to look natural," Mac grumbled, frustrated that Charlie didn't even seem to be trying. He was still laying there, pretty much stiff as a board. "Put your arms around my neck."

"What, like, choke you?"

"Jesus Christ, no, like, wrap your arms around me. All romantic-like or whatever."

"Oh, so I'm the girl, then?" Charlie remarked with a smirk.

"Dude, how many times do I have to tell you? _No one is 'the girl.'_ "

Charlie let out another laugh and locked his arms behind Mac's neck. Mac gulped, trying to choke down his feelings. He'd pictured being in this kind of position with Charlie so many times, but he had to keep reminding himself this wasn't for real, as much as he wanted it to be.

"Okay, now wrap your legs around me," he continued.

Charlie raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. If you're laying flat like this, there's no way we could be- because the angle isn't- just- for fuck's sake, Charlie, shut up and listen to me, I know what I'm doing."

"Fine," Charlie answered, acquiescing to Mac's request. Mac couldn't help but blush a bit as Charlie's legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him a bit closer.

"Shit," Charlie said, looking towards the door. "I think I hear her."

"Okay, uh, just... move along with me and yell your 'stupid sex shit,' okay?" Mac spluttered out as fast as he could, and started moving his hips.

Nothing could have prepared him for what came next. He had figured Charlie's "stupid sex shit" would be, well, stupid.

So he was not prepared to hear Charlie whine - _very_ convincingly - "oh, god, Mac, _fuck me_."

Mac kept moving and tried to keep control of himself as Charlie kept moaning obscene things. He was a better actor than Mac would have expected, and it was making it hard to concentrate, hard to remember this wasn't real.

He couldn't hear the footsteps approaching the door, or the rustling of the doorknob as the waitress tried to open it, her arms full of groceries.

All he was aware of was being in this moment with Charlie.

Charlie continued his fake moans and tilted his head back, exposing the soft, pale skin of his neck.

It was probably instinct, or habit, or something. Whatever it was, Mac wasn't thinking when he ducked his head down and started kissing Charlie's neck.

Charlie had no time to react before the door opened, and they stopped moving.

The waitress dropped the groceries on the ground in shock, oranges and apples rolling all over the floor.

Mac suddenly remembered what was happening, and pulled away from Charlie's neck, furious at himself for slipping up like that. He was worried about how Charlie was going to respond to that later, but there were more pressing matters.

He looked over at the waitress, and so did Charlie.

"Oh, hey!" Charlie said to her cheerily.

"Charlie..." she trailed off, horror evident in her voice. "What the fuck is happening here?"

"Oh, you know..." Charlie wrapped his arms more tightly around Mac's neck and planted a kiss on his cheek, holding him closer while still looking at her. "Just banging my boyfriend."

"I don't understand..." Tears welled up in her eyes.

"I tried to tell you I was seeing someone else, idiot," Charlie said, probably being more mean than necessary. "It's not my fault you didn't believe me."

The waitress wrapped her arms around herself and looked at the ground. "I... I have to go," she said, and swiftly went out the door, slamming it behind her.

Charlie grinned, finally looking back up at Mac, limbs still wrapped around his body. "Holy shit, dude, it worked!"

Mac couldn't bring himself to look Charlie in the eye. He gave a small smile in response. "Yeah..."

Charlie tilted his head. "Hey, it's okay. I'm clearly irresistible to people or whatever, so, you know, I get it."

Mac finally looked at him, incredulous. "Uh. No, I just-"

"Dude, it's fine," Charlie cut him off. "Seriously, though, the boner is a bit much."

Mac flushed, embarrassed. He hadn't even realized he was hard. "Oh, god, I'm sorry. You just kept making these _noises_ and saying all that _stupid sex shit_ and it... ugh." He buried his reddened face in Charlie's shoulder, ashamed of his behavior.

Charlie, who still hadn't let go of him, hugged him tighter, and looked up at the ceiling, contemplating. Mac had just done him a huge favor. And everything that had just happened? It was pretty nice, actually.

He pressed a kiss to Mac's temple, then asked him, "Got any lube?"

Mac perked up, lifting his head to look at Charlie. "Huh?"

Charlie smiled at him lazily. "I mean, you might as well actually fuck me, right? I owe you one."

Mac pulled back even further, stunned. "Charlie, you don't owe me _sex_ , I mean, that's..."

Charlie pulled Mac back in and kissed him deeply, before asking again insistently, "Do. You. Have. Lube?"

Mac's eyebrows were at critical height. He was in utter disbelief that this was happening. He scrambled. "Uh, yeah, I mean, I do, but..." He reached into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet where he always had a single-use packet of lube and a condom just in case.

"Good," Charlie said, grinning again. "Let's do this."

* * *

After they were done, lying cuddled in a sweaty heap of limbs and bare skin, Charlie suddenly pulled away from Mac and got up off of the bed, pulling his pants on. "Come on, dude, let's go."

Mac sat up, curious. "Where?"

"Drug store. We're gonna need more lube and condoms if we're gonna stay in all weekend banging, right?"

Mac had never moved faster in his life as he jumped up and pulled all of his clothes back on. Charlie smiled and laughed. It was going to be a good weekend.

 **Notes:** I'm sorry I chickened out on the porn... I just couldn't do it. XD I'm sure your imagination can fill in the blanks, though.

I had another idea for this story that would have been longer, more complicated and less humorous, where they went through with Mac's original plan and the waitress doesn't buy it, so they have to keep up the charade and Mac slowly falls for Charlie over the course of it. It would have culminated in Charlie blowing Mac in front of her because she seriously doesn't believe them. Buuuuut I have a terrible history with writing multi-chapter stuff and not finishing it, and I was having trouble coming up with ideas for the plot, so I dropped it and went for this simpler version instead.


End file.
